Monday, May 21, 2007

Hit Parade 58

Here we all are then, Happy New Year and a merry Auld Lang Syne to you all. 2007, eh? Who'd have thought it? I fancy Chelsea for the Champions League this year, get some money on it.


Anyhow, let's make like an arse and shit it. Merry monk, genitalia, urine, all that shizzle and bizzle and much, much less as that old nodding donkey we call Hit Parade am here, fresh and direct in 2007!

Cumbath Ja, M'lord - Jurgen Popshot
Put your hands up for Ambridge - Fedde le Grundy
Ja Ruler - The Sensi Meters
Hockling Rosie - Dockers Oyster Cult
Let's eat chips and listen to The Flaming Lips - DSS
Screwing all night - Alan Key & the Flatpack Four
I am the very model of a modern midfield general - Gilberto Sullivan
Whoops, there it is - Premature Climax Blues Band
You're gonna spoil that bairn - Molly Codling
Touch her with a barge pole - Ho Seasons
Drunken Whoring - Duncan Horan
Shrine on - The Shinto Band
Send this to six people and you will be rewarded with eternal life - The Jesus and Mary Chain Letter
Seaside Krautrock - Skeggy Bamyasi
I love the sound of breaking glass - Zak the Juggler
Good Riddance! - Neville Eichdim
A horse with no shame - Filthy Mare
Your Thetan Heart - We Are Scientologists
The Online Games People Play - Detroit Spanners
There's juice loose aboot this mooth - Kathy Bukkake

Monday, December 04, 2006

Hit Parade 57

Where flowing eggnogs
meet jizzlogged fizzogs.

Where polonium meets Boney M
Where stoner chewies meet Jona Lewie

When the sound of reindeer hooves
chimes with strange, queer grooves.

Then, my friends, Santa's sleigh is near
and Hit Parade am here!!!!!11!!!DONNERANDBLITZ'EM!!!1!

What would Jesus Gil do? - Hiram Phyram
When I kick in your back doors (how you gonna come?) - Jurgen Popshot
Whole Lotto Love - Chavmillionaire
All the ladies in the place - Walter Wallblart
Dejan Stankovic (Married to a skanky bitch) - Wed Star Belgrade
Sex Lives of the Dictator Men - Rum, Saddam and the Lash
My my sweet clementines - Nell Gwynne Cafe Orchestra
Best a Zulu can get - Ladyshave Black Mambazo
Blackapella Skank - The Martin Luther King's Singers
Like a nerd on a lyre - Geek Mythology
The Mersey Seed/Dirty Gash - Misadventures of Stevie G
Rush Bush: Cush & Lush - Geddy Up!
Stop! Hammer time - The Orton Weavers
Noooooooooooo! - The Man From Del Amitri
Goosestep into Christmas - The Mitford Girls
Stop the Carvery - Soya Bucharest
I saw mommy piss on Santa Claus - Charley Pissfinger
Daft Getz - Daft Punk vs Stan Getz
Ghee Chaat Thal Naan - Asian Grub Foundation
The first Noel (the anal did sting) - Kathy Bukkake

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Hit Parade 56

It was about 2004 when I first "met" a girl online. I'll call her Kathy.

Kathy Bukkake.

As we got to know each other, I would make up songs for her to sing, about facials and being fed condensed milk, aal kinds, really.

They love owt like that, the lasses.

She never sung them for me, though. Later, I wrote her a poem, I'll quote a bit of it for you if I may:

"Oh Kathy, Oh Kathy,
You love to do bukkake.

Those creamshots that you dream of,
That manmuck you sure can suck..

But what of feelings? What of love?
Not pearly earrings dropped from above.

Tenderness and befriending,
Not gentlemen's spendings.

Am I on for one or what, like?"

She told me she couldn't see me again. I cried like an iddy biddy girl.

Then I made another list of daft song titles. Cheg on, Kathy, you made-up, imaginary whore, Hit Parade is back!

Music for Rockports - Ratboy
Too much pissing - The Senile Things
Everybody's tokin' - George Michael
Desert rat up a drainpipe - Field Mouse Montgomery
Vader in a tutu - The Siths
Cry now, bray later - Pramface
All that he wants (is another can) - Eight Ace of Base
Chips don't Fry - Alison Coldfatt
I wish I was a drunk twocker - Ratboy
Couldn't get it up - My Comical Romance
Allergy in the UK - The Anti-Histamine League
Norwegian Sky (This game is shown) - ART 3
Gonna Have A Rhyl Good Time - Gogogogoch Bordello
Anyone who had a heart condition - Angie O'Plasty and the Cardiac Kru
Put Your Glans Up for Deep Throat - Kathy Bukkake
20,000 Leagues Beneath The Sea - Dem Franchise Boys
Half Rice Half Chips - Erik Estrada & Tim Rice
Chelsea Dogger - The J Terrys
Matador on the Dancefloor - Hispanic at the Disco
How I boned a plastic gal - Guys In Dolls

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Hit Parade 55

Bow down and kiss the ring of the chart with the whitest spats, shiniest top hat and yellowest gloves in all of London.

In the brief timespan that it isn't banging debutantes left, right and centre or checking out the plagiaristic contributions to Empireonlline's forums by caledonian shitbird Neo, Hit Parade is here!

What have you done today to make you feel dirty? - A2M People
Steakhouse of the rising sun - Bernie Inn
LazyUnsexyFool - TFC
Who's Groomin' Who? - MSN-Trance
Harvey's Bristol Cream - Jurgen Popshot vs PJ Harvey
Bat's the way I like it - Linsey Doyle
Crazy prog - Gnarls Barclay James Harvest
Giromania - DSS Club 7
These shoes were made for walking - Toksvig
See maypoles and Dai - Barley Legal vs Sheepdoggy Dogg
Benny and the Easyjets - Benny Andalusia
Shake your Dix in the Country - Dixie Peaches
Blow, my dear, the policeman said - Hairycheque
As Nazi as they wanna be - The Mitford Girls
Dirty shitty things - Liberalteens
Hardest gay to make an easy living - Muscle Mary
No business like ho business - Demi Monde & Áine Back
Booty Free - Kool Keith Barron
Got you wet is what you wee - Charley Pissfinger
Right face, wrong slime - Kathy Bukkake

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Ins and Outs: June '06

I believe it was the esteemed feminist writer Louise Nurding-Redknapp who penned the words "Let's go round again, maybe we'll turn back the hands of time".

Absolute guff, of course, you can't mess about with time, even the fool knows that. What you can do, though, is knock out a monthly guide that differentiates between what is, like, so, like, good and shit and what is, like, so not good, y'know?

Basically, Ins and Outs am here!


Strolling into a rough pub, loudly proclaiming "I hear good things about the cheese toasties here"
The fact that most of us have survived Bird Flu, just as we hardy breed also got through SARS, the Millennium Bug and Eldorado.
Duffy Waldorfs
Crime fighting kung-fu lesbians
When getting back after being caught in an unseasonable rain shower, announce to all and sundry, in a thick, Irish country buff accent "It's only a khuhnt of a day!"
George and Lynne
Big pimpin'/spending cheese
Getting all excited about the World Cup like you're still a bit daft kid
Reacting to every request for payment (for example the girl at Sainsburys check out ringing up your sandwich and coke and saying "That's £2.35 please") wth an outraged expression and the response "I'm a pensioner, you know", age regardless.
Polynesian parrots pecking at pepper-pots
Justifying the worst types of bad behaviour with the phrase "Howay man, it's just a bit laugh and carry on!"
In the pub with your dreadful mates, swirling the remains of your pint and pulling a lugubrious face in order to encourage someone to get them in.
Concluding that the best Futurehead is the one with the chubby face and glasses.
Attending cock-fights while wearing a monocle
Gina shoes: simply to die for, darling
The sublime new series of "The Planet's Funniest Animals". It works on so many levels.
The Pipettes
Hockling up a large greenie onto the pavement, then remarking to one's companion "I fear the worst, dear boy"
Blousy geordie lasses who gan on like something out of Tennessee Williams
Stopping in of a friday night with a small port and lemon, a bowl of pitted olives and a "Cage Fighting" DVD


False metal. Death to it!
Lisping kickboxing supervillains Referring to nationally broadcast television shows as "my programmes" or "my soaps".
People who have Brazil as their second team.
Golfing trophies where the position at the top of the backswing is so far from being de rigeur as to induce nausea
Young people overusing the word "random"
Overhitting crosses
Referring to a film as a "movie"
Studenty, gig-goers in their stripey jumpers and Herman's Hermits haircuts.
Plutocrats, acrobats and laundromats Ill-bred work colleagues who leave the communal khazi looking like the scene of a pogrom Hearts-supporting shitehawks passing off soaraway guides to the World Cup as their own work
Taking an iron off the tee and still finding the rough to the right of the fairway on the long par four 8th
Myspace sites that consist of little more than a list of "Thx 4 the add!" messages from a collection of wassocks with unorthodox fringes and shit local bands.
Playa haters always trying to keep a brother down
Slight discolourations in the glaze of your favourite antique porcelain figurine
Self-important types who lounge around in coffee shops, wearing their John Lennon glasses, reading the broadsheets and talking with their hands
Mardy-arse blogging nerds tubbyboohooing about having their third-rate nonsense ripped off
Coves with nasal hair so profuse that their nostrils resemble a lesbian scene from an off-colour seventies film

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Ins and Outs: May '06

What ho, chums. In a new regular feature of The Hit Parade Chronicles we are pleased to bring you a cultural barometer that you can live your life by. Give it up for "Ins and Outs".

Is it safe as fuck or common as muck?
Peachy keen and bitchin' or weeping pus and itchin'?

You don't even know, do you?

Well, I do and now so can you, because Ins and Outs am here!


Making your way through a rugby scrum to the bar in a heaving night club at 1am, and when finally attracting the attention of the harassed barman, screaming over the music what dry and medium dry amontillados does he keep and can he make a particular recommendation?
Toto Schillachi's mad beady eyes
Describing oneself as a "full time mum" when you are unmistakably male
At a supermarket checkout, when asked whether you need assistance with your packing, pull a heroic face and say "No, I'm alright" as if you're giving up a kidney so that a small child may live or something.
When trying food someone has prepared for you, telling them "that's some fuhkin' good sheeit, man!" Cheech and Chong style.
Glenn Roeders' poncy scarf
Experimenting with various mustards
Keeping an eye out in crowded pubs for anyone that looks "Swiss", then pointing them out to your dreadful mate. "Aye, definitely Swiss".
Before hunkering down to despatch the black ball during a game of pool, cheerfully inform your opponent that "It's Chico time!"
Lee Hazlewoods
Having an mp3 of the theme tune to "The Money Programme" as one's mobile telephone ringtone
Thoughtful conversations regarding the relative merits of various pub barmaids, littered with comments such as "I enjoy her work"
Considering the lilies of the field. Good, aren't they?
A propos nothing, hollering "Woo! Yeah!" like a member of an American tv show audience.
Ensuring that acquaintances are fully au fait with any recent e-Bay purchases you may have completed. They love all that.
Albert Pujols early season form
The crazy antics of "he's a junkie" Pete O'Dochertys
Concluding your takeaway order with a chuckling, arms out request for "the whole schemozzle", much like Rodney Dangerfield might have bought a bag of chips.


Passing the time waiting at the checkout in Sainsburys by indulging in a frenzied demonstration of the 'Double Dutch'.
Inviting scouse lap dancers to Newcastle, "where I'll dance for you"
Referring to looking after your own children as "babysitting"
Calling unsuccessful boxer Audley Harrison "Audrey". Don't call him "Audrey", call him "Shit head"
Blue denim jackets. Shakin' Stevens, that's what you look like.
Local radio football commentators getting all over-excited, the phoney-baloney tinpot shitbirds.
Pressing your suit suavely with a classy sort, forgetting you have a half smoked, pinched-out roll up lodged behind your ear
Sniffy nosed squaddies on trains, lamenting the fact that their "Lynx effect" clicker has so far got the princely total of no clicks on it.
The demise of the Sunday Sport "nipple count", a much-loved pub lunchtime tradition bites the dust.
Chaps with "bumchins". Untrustworthy rogues, every man jack of them.
Sex toys, marital aids, fanny-nudgers, call them what you will. Distasteful.
Calling anybody "guys" or, worse still, "the guys".
Being overcome by strange bouts of melancholy sometimes, when looking at objects that will outlast you - trees, buildings, roads etc.
Having a nagging feeling that your mate regards you as a sort of "Lennie from "Of Mice and Men"" figure
Black denim jackets. A balding old Morrissey fan, that's what you resemble, sir.
Being inebriated by sunday lunchtime, standing in the middle of the road, trousers round the ankles, roaring "You fuckin' cock-a-roach" at passers-by
Stubborn verdigris stains on one's favourite antique copper samovar
Trying to decide which voguish pop act is better; "Shit Robot" or "Shit Disco"
New shoes which take half a yard of skin off the back of your heel.
Wearing any apparel that sports the "Bench" label. The way of the fool, the scratter and the radgey, my friend.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Hit Parade 54

All you artic chicks and convoy boys
Give a big ten-four to the piss and spunk score
The chart with the muck in just keeps on truckin'
As we tout our wares to smokeys and bears

Rubber duck rubber duck Hit Parade am here!

Just William, bitch - Richmal Compton
Duchess of Elizabeth Duke Street - Pramface
Here jets the warm cum - Kathy Bukkake
When Iraq eyes are smiling - Saddam and Begorrah
Sit on my face - Shit on Myspace
Wet it be - Charley Pissfinger
Live with me on the Elm Lodge Housing Estate - Massive Attack ft Terry Collier
I Predict a riot the Way I like it - KC's and the Sunshine Band
Stop, Look, Lezz up - Hufty Club
Junior Mastermind - Fred Housego! Team
Bingo Hand Job - Milfhunter S Thompson
If you pick this seam your life will be better - The Ball Tamperer
Long Herr Lovin' in Liverpool - Jurgen Popshot and the Fokkers
Klubbed to Death - Jamie Cullin feat. Seal
The Theme from "Bullseye" - The Phil Taylor Quartet
I wonder who's killing her now - Dennis Nilsson
Mad drunk is staying at my house - LCL Soundsystem
The violent phlegms - Hocklin' Rosie
Moonwalk on the wild side - Boogaloo Reed
Crosby, pills and hash - Bling Crosby